


dramaturgy

by undread



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Drug Addiction, Gay Kuwata Leon, Gender Dysphoria, Identity confusion, It's for plot reasons I swear, M/M, Nonbinary Kuwata Leon, Obsessive Behavior, Other, Smoking, Unrequited Crush, and all my leon hcs, author projects onto leon for four fucking hours, kinda mentioned throughout but its only really heavy at the end, overuse of the word "cool", this is so heavily based on my shitty ass philosophy abt art
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:42:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29080311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/undread/pseuds/undread
Summary: headshot, we took it too farbut if you aim, go for the heartwe're pulling at the boundary, unseena curtain dyed in black soon came to beand knowing that those eyes are watching
Relationships: Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo, Kuwata Leon/Oowada Mondo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	dramaturgy

**Author's Note:**

> this is heavily based on my philosophy about art. imitation and admiration are parts of life, especially for artists. you see art you enjoy and you incorporate elements of it into your own work; the same is true for writers, and actors, and musicians, and anyone who produces any form of media. it's all copycat, and no one knows who did what or who's who, and you can lose yourself in trying to be good enough, or trying to be someone you aren't. my writing for the past month has been shit but i could finally crank this out. sorry leon, looks like you need to suffer again ^^"

Mondo smokes. A lot.

It's rarer to see him without a cigarette than with one. He's always talking with one dangling from his mouth, blatantly ignoring the rules (to which some nobody will try and correct him, which never works.) Mondo looks so cool smoking. He has this sexy, bad-boy air about him that Leon could only wish for. He looks so cool with his piercings, his tattoos, his spikes, his jacket, his cigs.

Leon doesn't smoke at all. He thought about it, thought it would help him get chicks, but he'd decided against it back then because baseball wouldn't allow it and because he doesn't care about chicks as much as he thought he would. He's lighting his first one, though, throwing baseball out the window, because Mondo smokes and he looks so damn cool. Leon buys a pack of Marlboros and wonders if he's cool before even leaving the store. He inhales deep and coughs up a lung, _holy shit, that tastes really fucking bad._ He's cool, though, he's so cool now. He smokes in the halls at school and Mondo notices, "I didn't think you smoked." That's all he says, though, nothing else, and Leon wonders if he actually is any cooler, or if he did something wrong. Whatever though, right? It didn't work, so he'll just quit. He lights another on his way to practice.

His teammates are all work and no play, except only kinda, because play is work and work is play. They aren't even a little cool. All they talk about is sports, sports, hot chicks, sports, more sports. Their brains are programmed for baseball and girls, they're such _boy_ boys, and Leon feels so different from them, but he doesn't find himself caring all too much. Whatever if he's different, he's cooler than any of them ever will be by a long shot already. He hopes, genuinely, that smoking will get him kicked off the team. Leon half pays attention to the gossip going around, it's not all sports and hot girls today.

"I got in a fight with Owada earlier today."

Leon is listening loud and clear. There's some small talk about how strong Mondo is and Leon tunes out a bit, he already knows how strong Mondo is, he already knows how cool Mondo is. Someone asks a question, "did it hurt?"

"Yeah it hurt!" The other player shouts back. "Fucker's the size of a bear and he rammed into me, all that leather and shit, it hurt bad!"

Leather, real leather. Leon had only ever had his white denim jacket, his most punk and most prized possession. It hides everything Leon doesn't like about himself and he's had it for ages, but leather, though, maybe he should get leather. Leather hurts bad, Mondo likes leather, it must be good.

He invests, goes above and beyond, gets a nice big jacket and a pair of Doc Martens. The jacket fits him nice, not as good as his denim jacket, but good enough. Leon tears the sleeves off of his denim jacket and makes it a vest, throwing it over the leather. It's good, this is good, he looks good, he looks intimidating, he looks cool. Mondo pays him a compliment and it's a sign, he's going in the right direction. Mondo says he looks good and it makes Leon's heart pound, Mondo can do so much with just a few words, Mondo is so fucking cool.

In the locker room, he lights a cigarette and takes off his jackets. He changes into his cleats, his uniform, and he runs a hand through what's left of his hair. He's stripping himself of everything he is, voluntarily and involuntarily. Leon is cool, cool-ish, getting cooler. Number 14 is just another body on the field. He'd bash his coaches skull in with his bat if it meant he didn't need to shave his head anymore, if he could wear his Doc's in the diamond. There's a game on Saturday and he just wants to look cool, he wants to look cool so bad.

Leon smokes in the halls and some nobody gives him detention. Some nobody with short black hair and red eyes that are always looking at Mondo, Mondo, who also has detention. That's fine, though, that's totally fine, they can sit through detention together and Leon can show Mondo how much of a badass he is, because what Mondo thinks about Leon matters, it matters so much. Mondo is so cool and Leon wants to be cool like him so, so bad. Leon wants to impress Mondo and he doesn't know why, he has no idea. He wants to make fun of the nobody with Mondo, they can do it together. Only, Mondo doesn't say jack shit to the nobody. _Ishimaru_ doesn't scold him once. Leon puts his feet on his desk and gets yelled at and Mondo does fuck-all. It's weird, it's not supposed to be like that, it's fundamentally wrong. Mondo draws Ishimaru the whole time and Leon expects the doodles to be of Mondo hurting him. They aren't, though. It's just Ishimaru and his stupid fucking red eyes that'll never be as cool as Leon's shitty red hair.

Detention ends and Leon immediately lights another cigarette, he didn't learn his lesson and he didn't write whatever lesson he was supposed to learn on that stupid fucking paper, the same one Mondo drew Ishimaru on. Mondo asks if he wants to hang out though, and Leon pushes down his confusion and _general mixed feelings_ because of course he wants to hang out, he'd be stupid not to. Mondo is so cool and Leon wants to impress him so fucking much.

They hang out at Mondo's place. It's far off from school; Mondo probably has to drive his bike back and forth, no way the buses go out that far. It's run down, small, if Leon was any more stupid he'd call it a trailer. It's not, though, it's a house, with brick that leads into plastic that leads into mold. The paint on the stairs is chipping horribly, the doorbell is completely busted in, and the door itself makes a horrible rickety noise. Leon feels like he's getting this close-up, intimate view at Mondo's life, and maybe he is, a little bit. The house isn't very cool, but it's very _Mondo,_ so maybe it is cool, actually. Everything about Mondo is cool. They go inside and Leon lights a cigarette reflexively, doesn't ask if he's allowed to or not. It's Mondo, Mondo smokes a pack or two a day. He's gonna be fine. "When did you start smoking?"

"Only a few days ago. Week, maybe."

"Why?" Mondo looks so confused, like he could never even think about smoking. "Y'know that shit's awful for you, right?"

"Dude, you smoke all the time." It's obvious, but it needs to be pointed out 'cause Mondo is kinda being a fucking hypocrite right now. "I look sick doing it, anyway."

"Ya sound like yer still in middle school, sayin' stuff like that." He chuckles just a little, pulling a pack of Camels out of his pocket and lighting one before taking off his jacket completely. "And I've been doin' it since I was a kid. I've got an excuse."

"Whatever man, all the ladies love me."

They laugh together. It feels nice, laughing with Mondo, it's pleasant and warm but at the same time it feels like all of Leon's emotions are coming to catch up with him. There's a lot of emotions at once, all bundled up, and Leon can't decode any of them. He just wants to laugh with Mondo more, so much, maybe for the entire rest of his life if he's lucky. They move to sit next to each other on Mondo's bed, his _bed._ For the briefest moment their hands touch, Mondo's knuckles on top of Leon's and they stay there for just a second too long and Leon feels like he's going to fucking combust. All his feelings get sorted out at once and he's not ready for it when it hits him, that he's in love with Mondo. So, so in love with Mondo and everything about him. He's shocked and then he's not and it's all nice, he feels nice, sitting with Mondo, joking back and forth with Mondo, talking about everything, Mondo has something to tell him. The moment means absolutely everything to Leon and he hopes with all of his heart it means something to Mondo, too. Leon is good enough, in some way shape or form, there's not actually anything wrong with him, he can be cool like Mondo and he's worthy of Mondo's attention, that's what it means. He considers leaning in and kissing Mondo right then, but the feel of his braces against his bottom lip makes him stop. He still wants to though, bad.

But then it all disappears, in an instant, just like that. Leon barely figured out his feelings and already they're destroyed, crushed, torn apart, thrown on the ground and stomped on. How easy it was, how quick and simple, how absolutely menial it is, to make Leon go from feeling so good to feeling so sick.

"I think I like Ishimaru."

That's it. Leon feels like he's going to vomit, his hopes were so high and Mondo all of a sudden grabbed them and dragged them through mud, dirt and sticks. _Leon needs to leave, I need to leave._ He pretends to get a text.

"Shit, it's from coach." There's no text. No way in hell he'd give coach his phone number. "I forgot, we have some extra practice tonight, cause of the game Saturday." Leon just wants to go home. He wants to go home and he kinda wants to cry. He doesn't really want to be cool right now, he doesn't really want to be around Mondo. He feels worse than he ever has, and it's not even really Mondo's fault. Mondo didn't know that Leon liked him, Mondo didn't know saying that would devastate him so bad. Leon just needs a little bit of time.

"You just got here though," Mondo pouts like a kid, and it's not really an argument to keep him, it's more so just another joke. "There's a game on Saturday?"

"Yeah," Leon sighs, "A home game."

"Can I come watch?" What Mondo does is up to Mondo. Leon wants to say no, because he _needs a little bit of time,_ but Mondo is still his friend, so yeah, he can come watch, Leon guesses, even if Leon doesn't really wanna look at him for the rest of the day or week or maybe ever. He's not gonna be nice about this, actually, he's really fucking hurt. It's not Mondo's fault but he wants to be mad at someone cause it hurts so bad, so, so bad. He's mad at Mondo and he's _extremely_ pissed at Ishimaru, who he barely even fucking knows.

The drive home is quiet. No loud punk music, just Leon and the road, Leon and his thoughts. He sees himself in the car mirror and almost gags, he looks vile. He looks wrong. His house is just as quiet, 'cause dad isn't home, and no one else has been home since he transferred to Hope's Peak. Leon is completely alone as he takes off his jackets and his Doc Martens. Leon is alone as he lights another cigarette, as it shakes in his mouth, as it burns. Fucking addiction, he's so stupid. He's so stupid, so fucking stupid stupid stupid. He liked Mondo so much he developed a fucking addiction for him, thanks to him, and guess what? Mondo doesn't fucking like him back, of course he doesn't, he likes some fucking nobody cause that's all Ishimaru is, a god damn nobody. Though really, who would like Leon? Looking in the mirror, Leon doesn't like himself.

He doesn't even _recognize_ himself, really. He looks at himself, only him, with no jackets or cleats, no boots and no number. Who is he? Who are they?

They're so wrong. Their body is so incredibly wrong in the worst ways and it's the worst tonight of all nights. They don't really know who they are, so obsessed with being cool (read: being liked by Mondo) and so forced to be a baseball player. They don't have a single god damn clue who they are. Collapsing in their bed, they just want to fall asleep forever, but they can't. It doesn't matter how _much_ or how _bad_ they want it, 'cause there's a big game on Saturday, and Mondo is going to be there.

**Author's Note:**

> so genuinely proud of this bursts into actual tears


End file.
